How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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