just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
