There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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