im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
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i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
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I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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