Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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