Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
