I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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