He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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