I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
