one word: firstdatebathroomanal
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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