capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
