She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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