She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
