just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
