he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize