My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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