So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
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I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
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There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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