You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
