____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I wish there were birth control emojis
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
