"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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