fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
