Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
