No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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