So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
