You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
