we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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