So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
