we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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