Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I will pee on everything he values.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
