i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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