Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Do vagina's smell?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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