I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
