Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
