I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize