If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
my poor anus
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
