This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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