I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
