It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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