Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
