A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
