Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
