I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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