she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
