apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
