Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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