Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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