you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
