I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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