I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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