Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
