matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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