Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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