my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
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This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
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Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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