Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
