planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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