Midget sex pt 2 tonight
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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