strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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